It's a two year curse.

I went around emotionally cutting myself, finding reasons to why my relationship just shouldn't work.
I found nothing of the sort.

I find that my certain insecurities are the ones that have continued to keep me at bay from ever risking anything. Officially, I find that once you claim to find yourself, you tend to get lost because you were influenced by the sudden urge to go "find yourself".

You can convince yourself that someone isn't for you, or vice . You can convince yourself that you were too young to fully understand that little thing on the side called responsibility and made bad decisions also blaming it fully on being naive and young.

The question is, when you realize all of this .. what are you really convincing yourself now of?
that it wasn't real? or that it was, but it just wasn't meant to be?

What if your caught at a crossroad and have no idea what to do nor which way to face?
Who, what and when was it ever real?

I wish that they could see the pain that they've inflicted, the memories that can never go away, and the hurt that never fully recovered.

It's the ode to the fallen, the poem to the confused, and the last cut of the emotionally psychotic.

Live, Learn, Love.

First, you live.

v. To live : to experience or enjoy life to the full.

The depth of each day may be gruelling sometimes, but rewarding many other times. The life we share with one another is the exhilarating part and although sometimes it's exhausting, in the end we choose between two options: We either deal with what we have, or whine about what we're missing.
Each promising day that I'm blessed to have sometimes shadows over me.. making me wish I never even awoken that morning. Sometimes the going gets really tough, and you just want to hide away in your obsure little corner - begging & wishing for it to all stop. You make a list - You know.. the one that makes you go "Never again" or "maybe this time" or even the "I swear on my soul that" lists. Those lists that either make you aware of your situation or make you go even further down that deep hole you've dug for yourself.
To live - even when Life doesn't seem worth living.

Then secondly, you learn.
v. to learn: to acquire knowledge or become informed.

The days go on, life goes on, and the world moves on with or without you. You learn to adapt, learn to accept, learn that maybe - just maybe - this time whatever you've acquired in the past few days, months, years will ultimately become something. Maybe this time, the knowledge that either is fresh in your head, or the pounding truth that kept shooting you in the face might actually trigger this time. You learn. You face the past, face your regrets and learn to forgive yourself andto forgive others. That's what it all comes down too right? Learning to cope, learning forgiveness, and ultimately learning the secret to happiness.

Then finally, you love.
v. to love: to love or have affection for.

After Living and Learning, all that left is to love. Not to be subjected to a person, but in general. To love your friends, your family, and of course - yourself. You love regardless of the risk or the hurt, hoping that you've learned from last time. You start to trust again, and start to fall again, and start to realize that nothing in this world can happen if no one loved or was loved. Jesus says it all the time. Come to think of it, I think every religion is based on this one concept. It's a universal concept, often sold out & overused but still never tainted. It's pure and it's worth the jump.

Live, Learn, Love.
It's hard.
It's scary.
It's worth it.

Alright, New note of the NEW year.

It's the 15th and I'm 15 days late, but here it is:

The fact of the matter is that it's 2010, which means I'm reaching about 2 decades living on this planet and I've probably learned alot in those two decades but nothing I'd for sure use to my advantage. It was more of a live and learn moment.
I've contemplated the many ways to hurt certain people, noticed that I wanted to bust the windows of their car. I wanted to do it to leave my mark, my name with a crowbar - but realized that jail wasn't really the way to go. (thanks to a very awesome song.)

Alright - broken heart, ugly scars, being all worked up over nothing: that's me in a nutshell I believe. I've learned alot from close friends, best friends and some people I don't even really talk to, but regardless, very grateful for the lessons.

In retrospect, I'm kind of glad everything happened. It doesn't show you the world unless you go down a couple levels. Cause of pain : inevitable.

God is one of the many reasons why everyone I love hasn't let me down when I was out during the fight of sanity. Although I know everyone has their own problems, much greater than mine - like Haiti - I don't know what I'm really after, or what he's really after. What sense is it really when you hold on to tears, then hold on to the laughter? I can't really explain much of it..

The toxic was flushed out of my system. The antidote was me, myself and I. (With the help from the bestest friends EVER. lol)

But what if the toxic was the antidote? The toxic that made me uneasy but I was the one who attempted to inject myself with it and refused rehab? What if the toxic wasn't really toxic.. it was the cure to my life?

I see into the very soul of his being realizing it's not the same. It's beautiful, like I remember it, but not the same one I remember. Longing for love and the logical, just waiting for some sort of answer and once I got it, I realized maybe everything I have isn't really what I wanted.

I'm a disaster -
I guess you gotta just let it slide.
Start of the new year.

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.