Part I

There was something he wasn't telling me. I could feel it in the way he spoke, the intensity of his grasp on my wrist, the urgency of his eyes - Why couldn't he just say it? If it was I in his position, I'd trust in him; that four letter word should be enough to trust him.


In Denial:

Most of the days are kind of lagging lately. The situation I'd find myself in is always the one where I find myself weaker than normal, so why does it seem that every day it's been this person I can't understand?
This game I always end up playing is dangerous to myself and my own sanity. A few days of being ghost, a few days of being social and a few days of being me has always been such a hassle. Why is it I'm in such denial when it comes to the trials of my own being? I remember that feeling.. You know that feeling where you felt like you needed to sacrifice yourself for the being of someone else? That feeling where you think your life is finally on the right track and that you think your crazy .. and you don't recongnize your actions because it feels so real?
When you get broken down, judged and then you believe otherwise?

When you believe that your angel is your world, but your angel is the cause of your hurt and pain. Most importantly, your angel was nothing short of a regular imperfect being who brainwashed you in thinking that they were perfect for you. What is left to deny?

That, my friends, is Denial.

Blogging.. lol.

Well, I wanna keep my sense of sanity to a max..
and blogging is kind of fun ..

=) When I produce that right story ..
I'll post it up.

Sometimes silence can be so damn loud.

So, it's been awhile since a new post was put up -
haha, I hardly have any time - it actually sucks. But regardless I'll try to make up some of it since lately my head has been bursting with some really good ideas lately.. I think it's the green; like actually. haha.

I guess lately I noticed that things don't actually mean that much as I first thought of it. I mean think about it. When you think about all the good times it's supposed to help you stop crying and stop thinking all negative .. but it does the opposite. I'm pretty sure doing that makes you even more depressed and makes you wanna slit your wrists just thinking about all the good things that AREN'T happening.

I mean being negative is mos. def. not the way I wanna go about things, but I only really have a few things that are pretty consistent with my life and those selected few hardly even know what is really going on in this messed up head I have.

To what extent are you willing to go?

If someone came up to you and offered you that red pil or blue pill like the Matrix, I'm not sure if I'd want to experience the reality of the life I thought I was living. I mean, I'd probably be too scared to see what's on the other side of the certain lie I was living everyday.

Love wise, I know I'm not a princess waiting for some prince charming to come riding on his white horse, ready to pick me up and love me happliy ever after.
I understand the concept of love - Sometimes it's a trial and error, sometimes you win it big, and sometimes it just doesn't happen.

At least you get it and you're moving on.
Good job Risa.

I'm finally getting the hang of this.